My ignorance, stupidity, self-centered behavior and repeated inability to open up and share with the person that means the most in the world to me has put me in a position such that I am afraid I might lose the love of my life.  Even now, as I sit here seven or so hours after the fact, I am kicking myself as hard as I can.  I cannot believe that I was so wrapped up into myself that I abused the one person who makes life worthwhile. 

Memories of those first few weeks come rushing back, sitting around in the sun, the first time he told me he loved me, the reasons why.  The things that I let myself lose sight of and am afraid I might not ever get back.  When you bottle things up, they fester, blow up out of proportion into something bigger than it really is, manifests itself in your head, makes itself true.  I projected so much onto others for so long that it was only to be expected.  Yup, there's Christina, tearing up at her desk because she treats the man who loves her like shit, bottles everything up, and almost lost it all.

I can't let that happen.

Venting has been great.  Writing for myself has been great.  Clearly, though, I need to get back in touch with what matters: real life.

I need to focus on getting my life together.
I need to re-focus on those who matter most to me.
There are too many things I need to work on that simply cannot wait.
They have waited far too long already.





Take care of what you love.
Take nothing for granted.
Live your life to the fullest.


Ciao, bellas.  I do not know if I will be back.

Howdy y'all

- I did my first 365 picture post yesterday - if you can't/didn't see it and want to, let me know, and I'll add you to the filter.
- Also, I'll be testing my ED filter tonight, so lemme know if you want in/out :)
- my flist had a light cleaning; I don't think I removed anyone active, but if I haven't friended you back yet sorry!  I'm getting around to it, but poking me wouldn't hurt either, ha.

Yay FRIDAY.

Um, what planet have I been on that I did not know this?

If I go to Peet's and grab a little something (coffee, tea) I can get a password for two hours of free wireless. Plus it's in a location that would require taking the time to walk here (or drive, if you're lazy) from work, so I do not need to worry about co-workers being all up in my business (which we all know I loathe.)


Guess where MY lunch will be from here on out...?

Yes, I love coffee and internet that much. Thanks.

I used to work with a woman named Lea who would bake us cookies, foster dogs and run marathons, despite having just lost her mother (basically, her whole family) to cancer and battling a fatal brain tumor. She used to have to hold onto the cubicle walls sometimes during chemo and radiation to help her get around at work, yet still would come in with smiles and hugs. Lea gave the best hugs; she would never, ever let go first.

Once, in the midst of an eating disordered/bipolar/life low, she gave me a hug and I just burst into tears. Standing there, safe in her tight embrace, the planets aligned and suddenly I had a greater perspective. Completely unprovoked-all she had said was that I looked like I could use a hug, and I agreed-I began to bawl. She just held me tighter and told me "Let it out baby, it'll be okay." There I was, bawling in the arms of a dying woman and all I could feel was stupid. I felt stupid that I thought my life was so bad, stupid to cry to someone much stronger than me who had overcome so much more, so silly for bawling in the middle of the call center and rubbing snot in her shoulder

But you know something? That hug will stay with me for the rest of my life. We all too often forget the human need for intimacy--not sex, not even sexual, just a body in close proximity to our own as a great comfort that you are real and you are not alone.





Next time you hug someone--next time you really go in for a real one, not just a greeting, a courtesy--don't let go first.

I am going to hell.
Ha. No surprises there.

Take a picture of yourself right now.
don't change your clothes, don't fix your hair... just take a picture.
post that picture with NO editing.
post these instructions with your picture.

I am screening all replies to this post.

I basically don't post too much as far as day-to-day goes, and that could change. What I really post about is disordered life, and that is all posted under a filter.

If you would like to be under that filter, please let me know. If you prefer a cut for anything triggering, please let me know that as well. We'll see if I maintain a courteous nature.

You in, or are you out?

'Cause it hasn't been pretty lately so I'm ready for the face first dive in.

"The trouble was, I thought this alternative persona that I had adopted was just that: a put-on, a way of getting attention, a way of being different. And maybe when I first started walking around talking about plastic and death, maybe then it was an experiment. But after while, the alternative me really just was me. Those days that I tried to be the little girl I was supposed to be drained me. I went home at night and cried for hours because so many people in my life expecting me to be a certain way was too much pressure, as if I'd been held against a wall and interrogated for hours, asked questions I couldn't quite answer any longer."

-Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation